Welcome to Part III of the tour.

17th October

As we arrive in Los Angeles at The Vex, we park up and some large hispanic people assist with unloading the gear. They may actually be stealing it but nevertheless the assistance is welcome. The Vex is East Side, not the most salubrious area of LA but once you ignore the loitering gangs of armed drug dealers, it’s not actually that bad at all. Our hotel is also not too bad at all. It’s opposite a churchy kinda place called ‘The Lighthouse of El Sereno’ where people can turn up for free things and to praise The Lord in return for some soup.

After we’ve rigged the equipment and sound-checked I spend an hour repairing Mark’s Telecaster that has become too fragile to play after being used as a crowd control baton at the Reno gig. A few judicious blobs of solder and a couple of self-tappers and we’re back in business. As the crowd begins to gather I note that Diamond Head have a good following from the hispanic community, including one lady who has ‘Am I Evil?’ and ‘Yes I Am’ tattooed across her buttocks.

The Vex is a large venue and a very good one. The PA is up to the job and the rider conceals some Jim Beam deep in the ice-bin. Straight in the tourbus and stashed in the pointless box. Mexican street food is served on the car-lot (thus rendering it car-lot food) and it’s the proper shebang. Lovely. Also available on the car-lot are records. Vinyl records. Lots of ‘em. Raven’s Richard is quick to snap up some Raven vinyl which he will undoubtedly sell at a much inflated price at a later venue. As the toilet facilities are not able to accommodate the capacity of the venue I choose to relieve my bladder in the alley at the side of The Vex. My moment is shattered when two hispanic gentlemen request the reason for my being in said alley. As my LA gang-speak is not up to scratch I make a very quick excuse in Queen’s English, consider retreat the better part of valour and leg it back to the stage area. I am also startled at just how dirty their guns are. Disgusting. Absolutely bloody disgusting.

The gig was a real belter and the merch’ went well. Also, apart from Raven’s habit of breaking instruments, there were no technical issues.

At the hotel we’re quick to indulge in a little tickle of Jim Beam while discussing tornadoes with Mark. My story of the Birmingham tornado that destroyed some sheds on an allotment in Moseley is rubbish compared to Mark once having had his house reduced to matchwood in five seconds by a proper twister. While he was in it. I think this illustrates that houses are built incorrectly in America, often in geologically unsound areas just because the views are pleasant and the surf is good. I think once the Americans discover bricks things may be safer.
’ I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your house down!’ said the big bad wolf. The wolf has yet to answer any claims and his spokeswolf has issued no statement. Also worthy of note is the fact that San Francisco is perched precariously on the San Andreas fault, a tectonic transform fault extending 810 miles through California that’s been there for 30 million years and was first identified in 1895. Obviously not a good choice for a city, the point being perfectly illustrated by the 1906 earthquake. This is why Cagney & Lacey was set in the safety of New York and not San Francisco, aside from the fact that Starsky & Hutch already covered the SF area.

Next we’re off to San Diego, down south. I shall take with me a plastic tray bearing the ‘Super 8’ logo as a memento of our visit to LA.

18th October

On route to San Diego – Eddy and me amuse ourselves by rehearsing our new scat-jazz project (think Cleo Laine). Eddy and I have decided that there is a market for hardcore jazz-metal and our new project will be called ‘Valhalla’s Jazz Razzmataz’. Our first two albums are nearly complete (in theory). The first will be called Ampu-Tea-Party and the second will be a concept album entitled ‘Join Me In My Plasmaball’. The travelling is taking its toll on Ed’ as he has titled the first single ‘Sha-Bop-Bop-a-Boop Fuck-a-Cha-Cha-Cha’. This is a silly, ridiculous title as it is slightly too long to be ‘commercial’.

It’s only a short whizz down to San Diego so we arrive quite early. Early enough in fact for a pleasant and unhurried breakfast in some diner in some deserty location. I order the ‘Classic American’. This means I will be served everything on the menu on one giant plate. While we wait for the club to open we decide to browse the junk shop opposite. It’s full of, well, junk really but Brian and Eddy are particularly excited about an old picture frame containing an old photograph of a hideously deformed monster in a wheelchair.
Same old routine of unloading the gear etc. until we begin chatting to a friendly gentleman in naval uniform called Brad. I was unaware that San Diego is the largest naval base in the US and there are many big ships parked in the sea. As we chat to Brad, none other than Deb’ comes wandering in and the next hour is spent catching up and eating slices of what must be the largest pizzas ever.
Deb’ assisted with the merch’ and we did a few deals including giving a t-shirt to Brad Fagan US Navy – Commander (and recipient of some medals by the way – we found the clip on a news channel of him being presented with one). This ensures our safety should we require naval support at any point on the rest of the tour. Brad gave us some ‘US Navy’ guitar picks with his name on them. Not sure what that’s all about but I’ve kept it anyway even though it’s a heavier gauge than I prefer.
After the gig we retire to the hotel and Raven seem to have acquired a bottle of tequila from a Mexican radio DJ …..This was not ordinary tequila however. As Mark poured it into my small plastic cup I was aware of a moistening of the toes. A direct result of the cup melting. This was remedied by a). using a new cup and b). diluting the tequila with vodka.

Diamond Head were shorted by over a thousand dollars at Brick by Brick as a result of the promoter being a little less than honest and oblivious to any idea of legal commitment. The band chose to still do the venue and honour prior ticket sales in the hope of more ‘on the door’ punters and some healthy merch’ sales. This was ok as we were already there, but we still ended up a grand short on the night. Support was by The Taz Taylor Band (Taz being originally from the West Midlands as it happens). Great guitarist and a very personable guy. The lighting engineer (Mrs Houselights, who ate all of Taz Taylor’s toffees) also went unpaid so we gave her a t-shirt as well.

As Corona is cancelled we’re heading back to Nevada. Las Vegas to be exact.

18th/19th October

As we roll through the seemingly endless desert in the blazing sunshine it becomes apparent that there isn’t very much in Nevada. There’s Reno of course, and, er Las Vegas. Oh and a secret place where they perform autopsies on extra-terrestrials unfortunate enough to run out of petrol over earth. The place is known as Area 51 and conspiracy theorists are certain that it was here that the remains of the recovered craft (and its occupants) that crashed at Roswell in 1947 ended up. I don’t see this as being particularly peculiar as it’s usual after a collision for a vehicle to be removed to a storage facility until such time as an insurance official can assess the damage. As the craft had no number plates and was from a distant galaxy it will, obviously, take a great deal of time for their people to rock up and take a look. They may also need photographs in the event of any claim.
Area 51 is officially known as Groom Lake and is a test facility for the CIA. They test many weapons of destruction and I imagine that McDonalds must use it frequently. It has restricted airspace even for military aircraft but, as a result of a Freedom of Information Request, it’s location has been made public and it’s on navigation maps as Homey Airport (KXTA). No persons are allowed in, out, overhead or underneath and results of experiments are never released or published. Therefore it’s a pointless place and should be used as a music venue. Festivals and Christmas markets etc. It’s so secret nobody knows it’s off the State Route 375 south of Rachel – about 83 miles north-northwest of Las Vegas. But don’t go there unless you’ve borrowed some Rayban Aviators and a convincing CIA backstage pass otherwise you’ll be turned to plasma.

Suddenly ‘Vegas rises up from desert sands like a great flashing beacon of bad taste and we’re booked into a quaint little inn called Arizona Charlie’s. It’s only a small joint with only several thousand gaming machines and card tables and more hotel rooms than the whole of London. Small by Sin City standards. We’re here a day early so we’ve had a nose around the strip and met up with Karl’s friend Roman who’s a Las Vegas resident. Roman’s house is just off the strip and as soon as we walk in I spot a chess set on the table. Eddy has also spotted it. After half an hour it’s looking like Eddy is going to suffer a humiliating defeat and takes inappropriate action. Asked what his next move is, he picks up Roman’s Springfield .45 automatic pistol, aims it vaguely around the room and then at me. This is quite funny as it’s a move not strictly allowed in the game of chess. Karl however does not think it’s funny and throws a mild tantrum followed with a lecture on the dangers of handguns in the wrong hands. Eddy gives up and snatches the humiliating defeat from the jaws of a hostage situation.

Our entertainment on our night off is at the Las Vegas Hilton for a proper ‘Vegas show. Dean has organised passes for us and so ‘Raiding the Rock Vault’ is the show we’re to be subjected to. Many famous musicians playing other famous musician’s songs in chronological order with some talk about rock history and some weird spaceship thing spewing out smoke that can travel through time. It’s possible the promoters have a thing going with Area 51 and borrowed it.

It’s a cracking night until ……. Until Howard Leese (the old chap out of Heart) is in the hotel lobby for the autograph signing and Chas decides to exchange pleasantries with him. Howard however is in no mind to perform his part of the exchange as, unbeknown to Chas, he has information. Information suggesting (rightly or wrongly) that Chas had been more than just friends with Howard’s wife. This results in an exchange of unpleasantries culminating in Howard requesting Chas’s presence outside for a game of nose-breaking. Eddy pats himself down in case he’s still in possession of the Springfield .45 and can protect Chas from the ageing raging guitarist who is, by now, purple. The .45 had been reunited with Roman so no shoot-out in’Vegas. That night anyway. Abbz was unable to attend as he wanted an early night. Also, he was wearing a Jub Jub’s (Reno) t-shirt like the one I was wearing. Or would have been if he’d have come out. Which he wasn’t and he didn’t. He definitely stayed in the hotel and did not go anywhere near the strip, the Las Vegas Hilton or anywhere else unconnected with the gig.

The next evening we head to Vamp’d to have a look at the venue and the place is absolutely amazing! Owned by Danny Coker, the well known custom bike builder seen (worldwide) on television, the place is decorated with some spectacular memorabilia including one of his custom chops’ parked over the bar. The whole place is staggeringly well appointed and, after a warm welcome from the man himself, we are wined and dined in the VIP area, with Jada Pinkett Smith performing her set with Wicked Wisdom for our entertainment. Abbz did not come because he wanted an early night, not because I’d turned out front of the hotel wearing a Bizarre Guitar t-shirt the same as he was wearing. Or would have been wearing if he’d have come out. But he didn’t and he wasn’t. Early night for Abbz it was. No gambling, processed food or alcohol. At all.

20th October

We have had a breakfast in a nice pancake place. Brian, oddly enough, ordered a roast turkey dinner. John Gallagher ordered pancakes which are a staple of the American diet in these parts. All very nice but the portions can be over-generous. John ordered a small serving and the picture shows the reaction. Brian’s roast turkey dinner was equally artery-hardening. No roast potatoes though. How on earth can a restaurant call something a roast dinner when the potatoes are fried? Also the gravy wasn’t gravy. Only in England can you order a roast dinner and expect to receive it with meat submerged in liquid recognisable as being made from meat liquer. The earth will stop turning if ever America cottons on to pub carveries. Anything could happen and the people not officially at Area 51 which doesn’t exist know it. They know.

We have washed our pants at Roman’s house and by the time we return all the smalls are dry and we share them out equally.
At the gig I have set the merch’ up at the door and I’m assisted with the unloading by a giant bloke called Carl who, apparently, worked with Bon Jovi, The Rolling Stones and once lived in Ruislip in Surrey. He has told me he has regular counselling and gives me a huge cigar. Great gig and many thanks to all at Vamp’d for the great rider, the food, the t-shirts and the welcome. If ever you do ‘Vegas you’ll do worse than if you visit Vamp’d.

After the gig we’re back at Roman’s for a bit of a drink and then we’re off down the strip at 04.00am in the tourbus with Pink Floyd on and a bottle of Jim Beam. Karl is sober and gives us an excellent guided tour of ‘Vegas. It really is something to see. Finished the night off real nice.

The next morning we’d agreed to meet in the lobby of the casino at 08.30am and I’m first there. I position myself on one of the five-thousand vacant stools at a slot machine and the place, although open twenty-four-seven, is deserted. That is, until a small Chinese woman alerts me to the fact that I am sitting at her lucky machine. I move and ,as I do so, Brian is exiting the lift. I tell him about the solitary Chinese woman and, once the rest of the band are down, we decide it’s funny to all formally queue (in the British way) behind her as she rids herself of many dollars.
It transpires that Raven’s John and Mark Gallagher hit the strip big style last night and Mark played cards in Caesar’s Palace. He came back two dollars down but very drunk.

Las Vegas is an amazing place. Amazing in that it’s surreal. It’s geared totally and unabashedly towards having a good time and doing whatever floats yer boat. Although it has the highest suicide rate anywhere (so I’m told) it’s a place worth experiencing for the WOW factor. Having said that, if I wanted to see a small mock-up of the Eiffel Tower I could go to Paris and look at it from a long way away.

Next time – we’re off to Denver, Colorado via Arizona and Utah, we have a puncture in the desert, go to Kansas MO then Oklahoma and Dallas (where a man has his homemade girlfriend in a rucksack).